23rd April, 2025
I’ve started training for our Europe Tour, but so far training has been a proper pain in the arse pardon my French, courtesy of a very embarrassing and hard to spell ailment of the bottom.
Because I am easily embarrassed, I asked Jenny if she would be my spokesperson in the pharmacy. Looking to put an extra layer between me and the medication, according to the script I wrote, Jenny’s was buying the muti for her friend’s husband’s father. But I think I blew my cover when I reminded Jenny in front of the pharmacist that the father wanted the slender suppositories, not the big bullet shaped ones. Straight away, the pharmacist looked sorry for me. I think he knew I was Jenny’s friend’s husband’s father. It was the angst in my voice that gave me away. But turns out big pharma haven’t invented slender suppositories yet, so you can only buy the big bullet shaped ones. And bullet shaped my arse, again pardon my French, more like big bloody torpedoes.
NB in another quick aside, because my ailment of the bottom most probably dates back to being forced to sit on firm wet surfaces in the back of troop carriers whilst defending my country against communism, I was going to ask the government to cover the costs of the treatment but have decided to delay the claim until the pain of covering the costs of the new hub stadium have eased.
And an even bigger pain in the arse, we’ve also commenced applying for Jenny’s Schengen visa. Jenny travels on a Zimbabwean passport and the hoops she has to jump through are many.NB Should any Immigration officials from the Netherlands happen to read this blog, please be assured that Jenny’s support for Brazil in the 2010 World Cup was one big mistake. Jenny’s geography is wobbly, and she thought Brazil was in Europe and part of the Schengen states. She has seen the error of her ways and is now an avid Dutch supporter, and also shouts loudly for France, Spain, Portugal, Estonia, Finland, etcetera, etcetera, but not so much Luxembourg, because what are the chances of Luxembourg winning a World Cup.
But I digress, back to my training. Because the hills and mountains in front of me threaten to be more painful than sore bottoms with 46,000 meters of uphill in just 32 days of riding, I’ve decided better I die on the hills now, than in September. Fortunately, I now live on a hill, so I don’t need to commute to climb. Unfortunately, my hill is only 34 meters high. So, to clock a thousand of meters of climb in a day, I have to summit my stupid hill 30 times. Please spare a thought for my neighbours. Watching me ride past their kitchen window 30 times is like an afternoon spent watching a hamster in his wheel, but more exhausting and less exhilarating.
And in other breaking news, the other major event to have been postponed is Patrick Millar’s Ride to Rome to raise money for Zimbabwe’s pensioners. Patrick is undergoing surgery for the same embarrassing and hard to spell ailment of the bottom mentioned above. But he’s asked me not to mention it, so please disregard. Patrick will now start his ride on the 25th of June.
The world has become a tougher, harder place in the last 100 days. Disorders are being relabelled as diseases and words like compassion and empathy are now considered woke. As a direct result, the number of people needing help has risen exponentially. NB Exponential is a number even bigger than 3521. Aid budgets the world over have been slashed to zero so that governments can spend more on bombs, and less on helping others less fortunate. Which is a bugger, especially if you are one of the less fortunate. Which makes what we are trying to do on our bicycles more important than ever before. If there was a time for more compassion, now is it.
Patrick is riding for the pensioners. The Blue Cross in August is raising money for the SPCA. Me and some friends will ride Europe in aid of two charities, the Old Legs Medical Fund who provide vital surgical interventions and ongoing medical support for Zimbabwe’s pensioners, and the Friendship Bench who are reimagining the delivery of free mental healthcare in Zimbabwe, creating safe spaces for vulnerable people one Friendship Bench at a time. Please, please help us help them.
In closing, a last request. Please say a prayer for Pope Francis who fittingly passed on Easter Monday. He was a good man and will be best remembered for his humility and his compassion, and by me for choosing to drive a Renault Four. After he became Pope, he was gifted a bunch of cars, including a Renault Four and a Lamborghini. Francis kept the Renault and donated the Lamborghini to charity. I so love that story.
To try and tie this very cumbersome blog together, I am sure that James the Great would have thoroughly approved of Pope Francis. James was also very big on compassion and kindness and caring for the poor. For those of you who also bunked Religious Education classes at school so you could go and smoke behind the squash courts, James the Great was one of Jesus’s 12 chosen disciples a.k.a. apostles, and the first to be martyred for his faith. He was beheaded by King Herod, and his body was returned to Spain and was buried in Santiago de Compostela, which is the centre point of the Caminos de Santiago, the network of pilgrimages that we are riding in September. The Caminos de Santiago is also known as the Way of St James. Because O Level Geography was harder to bunk than Religious Education, I thought Santiago was the capital city of Chile and had no idea that it is Spanish for James.
As per the Old Legs mantra Have Fun, Do Good, Do Epic, I am unashamedly looking forward to climbing the Pyrenees on my bike and enjoying much laughter and red wine with best friends. I am not a spiritual person but am hugely excited to soak up the spirituality of the Caminos pilgrimage and it give some added poignancy to our efforts to Do Good.
Last but not least, in preparation for the Europe Tour, I’ve commenced French lessons 101.
J’ai mal aux fesses. S’il vous plaît, puis-je avoir une grande boîte de suppositoires, mais les plus fins, pas les gros en forme de torpille. – My bum hurts. please can I have a big box of suppositories, but the slender ones, not the big torpedo ones.
Puis-je aussi acheter une Harley Davidson, mais seulement si elle est bon marché ? Et pouvez-vous l’emballer ? Je ne veux pas que Jenny la voie. -Can I also buy a Harley Davidson but only if it is cheap, and please can you wrap it. I don’t want Jenny to see.
Until my next blog, be kind and considerate to those less fortunate, and especially look after your bottom – Eric Chicken Legs de Jong
* Names and images may have been changed for privacy reasons
If you are already a ZANE donor, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. If you are not a donor but would like to be, please follow the link below and know that every donation, however big or small, goes directly to where it is most needed. If you would like to help but can’t donate, please join the ZANE family and ‘like’ or ‘share’ our posts or write us a Google review – every positive step helps spread the word about the life changing work ZANE does.
Thank you – Nicky Passaportis ZANE Australia
Please donate to support pensioners struggling to survive in Zimbabwe
Any assistance is greatly appreciated and goes a long way to giving our pensioners a better quality of life and lift the pressure of money worries which is very debilitating emotionally.
(Donations made to ZANE in Australia, are tax-deductible)